Little Intro

A letter to myself °1: Life and Waves.

Recently, I haven’t been doing very well. Too much work. Mental health issues. Life in general has made me feel like I couldn’t or shouldn’t post on my blog. I’m doing this for me. Above all else. This blog stemmed from a rather selfish desire to feel like I’m contributing to society by offering a positive ray of light to people when I can. A calming presence in the storm.

No one is ever happy. Here I want to be unapologeticaly myself without feeling constrained by a fear of judgement.

Um so i’m reading the notes that I took for this post and they say “read this like poetry”. We’ll see how well 2am tili did with that. Anyway, take this as advice or like a message from an older sister. Awesome.

The game

Life is a card game in which no one knows the rules. No one is dealt the same hand. Certain decks have been shuffled. Others, not. You rarely have the same amount of cards as the person sitting in front of you, and you have no idea what you’re doing.

You are still expected to make something out of the cards you’re given.

Figure out what you want to make and remember. Hold on to it and don’t forget unless you have to.

Sometimes you’ll go blank. There will be days, maybe weeks, where you cannot, for the life of you, figure out what to do. Your cards don’t make sense, and you don’t know what to play. It happens. It will continue to happen. So hold onto your cards and let it be.

Waves

We used to go to the beach every weekend. Bea and I would squeal and panic in front of waves twice our size. Righfully so. I think any child would have. But we loved being in the water, so we kept throwing ourselves back in.

You have a choice. You either brave the waves and live life properly. Or you can stay on the beach. My parents taught us how to brave the waves.

You can fight against them, panic and try to jump over them or swim against the. The sea is stronger than you. Your desire to continue to make up ground and resist life’s trials will exhaust you. You risk slipping under from pure fatigue.

You can resist. Simply, put yourself side ways, lean on your back foot and hope you have enough strength to not get knocked over. However, both options will leave you tired and vulnerable to the next wave.

There is a third option, you can let the waves take you. Relax. and float over them. As long as you stay calm, pay attention and focus on yourself, usually, the waves will simply carry you over them.

Of course, sometimes there will be freak waves that drag you under. Hopefully, there will always be someone, somewhere, to pull you out of the water. But as a general rule of existence: let it happen.

We all have ups and downs in life, what matters is how you approach them.

Choose yourself

People seem to percieve this as a selfish notion, but choose yourself. When things get rough, choose yourself. You are much more use to others when you’re stable, healthy and happy. If you do not have the energy to socialise, don’t. If you don’t want to talk to people: don’t. Just do the bare minimum to keep yourself afloat. Let the necessary people know that you’re not doing so well, and then do what you need to do to make yourself feel better, in a healthy and sustainable manner.

In the end, you only have to live with yourself.

Final note

I’m sorry it has been so long. I was trying to figure out how my blog fit into everything that was happening in my life. My blog is one of the first concrete things I’ve ever done in the name of choosing myself and my own happiness. It’s a safe space for me and anyone who takes comfort in my words. I’m back now 😊

I’m finishing off a new playlist this weekend and I’ll be posting a lot more regularly and often <3

I think that’s it for letter n°1. I know everything seems a little daunting and overwhelming at the moment, but it’ll get better soon. It may not seem that way. But it will. It always will, no matter how long and hard the downs are. If you need to take a break, change trajectory and plans, that is completely okay too. Do what you need to do to keep going.

If everything goes to plan, I’ll see you guys monday for the playlist,

Much love,

Tili <3

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